Waiting

By waiting and by calm you shall be saved, 
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. 
- Isaiah 30:15

I feel like we have been waiting for a long time. Last April we first realized that something was not right. Things really got kicked up in November. In the last 11 months, my daughter has had more than 20 tubes of blood and a piece of her liver extracted from her body. I know that I have friends whose children have gone through much, much worse, but just as you can't make interpersonal comparisons of utility, I have only begun to realize that you also can't make interpersonal comparisons of anxiety. I am anxious. I want answers. 

I have been quiet and I do trust. I am waiting and I am calm. I know that God has it all covered. I just want to know where our next step lies. St. Bede said it quite well!

Unfurl the sails, and let God steer us where He will.
- St. Bede

My sails are unfurled...

Tournament Life

The past few days have been in a funny fugue state. Turns out that tournaments now are not that different from tournaments back in the day. This is what the aftermath looks like:

British Idioms

This will be an evolving post, but it's one I wanted to write because I keep hearing great British idioms that Americans just don't seem to use. There are two that I can think of right now, but I'll come back to this post to add more as I remember them.

1. For my sins - a semi-joking expression indicating that something you are doing or have done is some kind of punishment. (i.e., "Laura, didn't you go to Rice for graduate school?" "For my sins...")
2. And Queen Anne is dead - means that someone has just told you old news or stated the obvious. Apparently when Queen Anne died, the news was hushed up for awhile, but it leaked out. Thus, when it was officially made public, it was already old news.

One of Those Days

There are many days that I think I should write a blog post, but then I back off because of how it might sound. I am afraid that I will come off sounding like a terrible mother. I read those bloggers whose posts are all encouragement, love, and light, and I *know* that I will never be one of them. For one thing, when things are going well, it doesn't occur to me to sit down and write about it. Instead, it's when things are absolutely sucking beyond all reckoning that I have the urge to let it all out on paper. I hesitate because I don't want people to judge me. It occurs to me, though, that I never judge people when I happen upon those kinds of posts. Actually, it is *those* posts that encourage me the most! Just knowing that someone else out there is as fallible as I lifts me up in the most unexpected way.

I will undoubtedly delve into this in more depth at some point, but I have always known that Nicholas was twice exceptional. Actually, he's more like thrice or more exceptional. We have just added Tourette's Syndrome to his diagnoses of ADHD and OCD. I feel guilty even saying it, because I know that there are parents out there who deal with far, far worse on a daily basis, but parenting this child is exhausting. Today when I told him to fill the dog's water bowl, he told me the bowl was full. I took it out of the kennel, showed it to him, and went to the mat to get him to admit that 1/8 full was not, in fact, the correct and normally understood definition of full. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to toss the water in his face. There. I admitted it. One of those things that I am always afraid to say to anyone other than my parents or my husband. I'm sure there are parents with other personalities who are laughing, thinking "Why do you care so much? Just tell him to give the dog water." I can't explain. When it is the 25th such conversation of the day, you're worn out (plus, he would say, "The dog has water."). The fact is, I do have the personality that I have. I do care. Life would be a lot easier were I less intense or more laid back. I'm not. Am I working on it? Of course! I am not there, though, and he is not my only child.

It's nice to know that some of his odd behavior can be explained by Tourette's, but I have to say - it doesn't make him any easier to deal with.

This is one of those posts that I will look at and think I should probably delete. I'm going to leave it up, though, just in case someone stumbles across it who needs to read it. You are not alone. You are not a bad mother. Fantasizing about defenestrating yourself and running away as fast as you can does not change that one iota (check me out! Latin and Greek in one sentence!). You'll pick yourself up either five minutes from now, an hour from now, or tomorrow, and do a little better. You'll remember that you're the grown-up and you'll stop wondering how loudly you can slam your bedroom door for effect without anything glass falling off a wall (wait - just to clarify: I am talking to myself here, not to anyone else!).

If I had a different personality, I would think that preceding paragraph was just a tiny bit funny. Well, it is a *tiny* bit funny. The sad thing is, the glass falling off the wall thing has only been learned through a rigorous process of trial and error...

Nyx Lips Sale!

You're welcome! Seriously, the new Butter Lipsticks look beyond amazing (and they are sold out EVERYWHERE else)! There are new colors of the Matte Lipsticks (although Whipped Caviar and Euro Trash are still going to be my go-tos), and with 30% off, the Round Lipsticks are $2.80 each. These lipsticks are so wonderful. If you haven't tried them - do! Nyx ships free with only $25 purchase.

No, I'm not affiliated, but I am obsessed.

Curriculum I Am Considering

Wonderful classical, Catholic high school curriculum: Abandon Hopefully

Rosacea

Rosacea is not pretty. It's not fun. In fact, I would even go so far as to say it sucks. It doesn't suck like migraines suck, or anything like that, but it still sucks. No one really knows why rosacea exists, but it is thought to have to do with the dilation of blood vessels under the skin (which makes sense since the bright red tomato face is one its hallmarks). I won't go into it a bunch here, but I will say this: if you happen to be younger or less confident than I, my best advice if you suffer from rosacea is to get over it and learn how to put on makeup. Also, tell people upfront that just because you flush/blush does not mean you're embarrassed. Not only am I not afraid of or intimidated by public speaking, I enjoy it. Therefore, when I am giving a talk somewhere, if I forget to mention it upfront, the first time I feel my face to start to turn red, I pause to inform people that I am not embarrassed, that I am aware that I am turning red, and that it is happening because I have rosacea. I then continue where I left off. Just because I know how to deal with it doesn't mean I like it, though.

So, not letting it bother you is the first part. Not letting cheeks that look like someone has been slapping your around define you is the second. For that, I suggest the following easy routine:

1. An awesome concealer: I love Nyx. It's cheap, but has great coverage. I dot it on and then use elf's small stipple brush to lightly blend it in. If you care, I am fair.

2. A great foundation. I have super dry skin (thank you, Hashimoto's!), so I need a moisturizing foundation. I have recently fallen in love with Lumi. I use the elf Studio flat powder (I know it says powder, but trust me - it is a killer foundation brush) brush to apply it. This foundation is very buildable, which is great on really red days.

It does not do the dry cakey thing, which is really important if any part of you wants to set your face with powder. We dry-skinned people don't really like to do this. We people with rosacea who *really* don't want all that red to come through sometimes do it anyway. I go really old-school with the powder and use Coty Airspun Translucent - just a touch. Sometimes I only set my under eye concealer. Regardless, I usually finish with a spritz of elf's finishing spray. That really helps set the whole thing and keep it from looking dry.

Know what the best part is (apart from the fact that elf is so darned cheap, *and* that you can often get 50% off on their website)? I can wear blush when I do this! Counter intuitive? Not even remotely? There is a world of difference between a lovely pink/peach/coral shade of my choice on my cheeks and siren red. This baby is an elf studio blush that retails for $3.00. I have five, I think. I have never paid more than $1.50. They dupe NARS colors like crazy and I think the pigmentation is great. On my wish list? Coastal Scents Forever blushes, but that will have to wait for their 50% off sale at the end of the year. 

So what does any of this have to do with homeschooling? More than you think. Homeschooling can seriously wear us down. It is demoralizing in the extreme. If you're anything like me, some days bring you to tears. Makeup can be a huge confidence booster and a really cheap pick-me-up, though. Honestly, going into the bathroom and putting on lipstick (and, I'll be honest, I have a million of them - but I get great deals!!) can be just what I need to go out and face the monst...er, I mean kids again. 

As to my rosacea, sometimes I think that's a blessing in disguise because it forces me (in my own mind - everyone makes their own decisions about such things!) to put on makeup before I leave the house. I don't want people to look at me and ever think I'm the stereotype of what they have decided a homeschooling mom looks like. A bunch of people I know don't care about that, but I do. 

So, did you know that elf stands for eyes.lips.face? I didn't for a long time. I always wondered what santa had to do with cute inexpensive makeup...